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Lists

My very own hitlist

Historically South Africans were known for having mercenaries and people who would sell their souls for money… I (as a part of this legacy) would also like to see a few people sleep with the fishes at a VERY discounted rate – I.e. FOR FREE!!! These people include in no particular order:

Paris Hilton

Sex: A lot, especially on video

Age: 30

Nationality: American

Race: Dumb blonde

Bio: Fucking idiot

Fears: Contributing to absolutely anything

Should Fear: Ruhan Robinson

Special powers: Knowing nothing/consuming alcohol/being cheap

Enemies: Nicole Richie/Intellectuals/mothers/Traffic Police/Ruhan Robinson

Allies: Booble/Donatella Versace/Chihuahuas/Coke

Comment: Anybody this brain-dead should have been dead long ago! Turn off the fucking machine already, why don’t ya?! When exactly did being a moron become a fad?

Killing method: Blow to the head with an encyclopedia

Muammar Gaddafi

Sex: Male (not convinced)

Age: 69 (much too old)

Nationality: Libyan

Race: Dicktator

Bio: A dicktator with a BAD hairdo (I do mean dicktator not dictator)

Fears: Donald Trump actually running for president of America and winning… How could Gaddafi possibly compete with hair force one?!

Should Fear: Ruhan Robinson

Special powers: Killing the innocent/looking ridiculous

Enemies: NATO/Libya/Fashion Police/Ruhan Robinson

Allies: He has allies?!

Comment: Gaddafi is a killer of his own people… He is ugly and should be prosecuted by Joan Rivers and the rest of the fashion police team… His show has been running for nearly 42 seasons and should be cancelled immediately! Go NATO GOOOOO!

Killing method: Dressing him up like a man for a change

Julius Malema

Sex: Male

Age: 30

Nationality: South African

Race: half-wit

Bio: “These peepoool aaaah rayceeest” is the catch phrase of this man created by Satan and given birth to in a landfill. Julius Malema is the living embodiment of why abortions are legal in the Republic of South Africa.

Fears: Right-wing white people/ Helen Zille/Common sense

Should Fear: Ruhan Robinson

Special Powers: Having a terrible accent/being stupid

Enemies: A big round thing – The World

Allies: *laughs hysterically*

Comment: Julius Malema is an uneducated MOTHFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAA who should never existed in the first place! I hope he dies horribly by being dragged after a bakkie or something cruel like that…

Killing Method: Going back in time and legalising abortion in 1980

Robert Mugabe

Sex: None since 1974!

Age: 87 (Only the good die young)

Nationality: Zimbabwean

Race: More monkey than man

Bio: He personally knew Adam and Eve and you expect me to recount his life here?!

Fears: Election time

Should Fear: Ruhan Robinson

Special Powers: Definitely not eye-sight/rigging elections

Enemies: Britain/Ndebeles/IEC/Farmers/Time/Ruhan Robinson

Allies: SpecSavers/Zuma/Mbeki/Malema/ANC/Grace Mugabe/Satan

Comment: For the past 31 years he has made ridiculous statements and has over stayed his welcome in the living world…

Killing Method: Starvation

Llwellyn Landers

Sex: ████

Age: Classified

Nationality: South African

Race: ████████

Bio: Secretly keeps seeks secret information that is classified at a secret undisclosed location

Fears: Democracy, accountability, being asked questions before parliament, the DA, the Media

Should Fear: Ruhan Robinson

Special Powers: Sucking the light from everybody’s hearts/killing by way of boredom

Enemies: Media/Constitutionalists/DA/IFP/FF+/PAC/Azapo/ACDP/COPE/Public

Allies: ANC parliamentary caucus

Comment: His blatant disregard for freedom of the press, the fact that he has no emotions at all and his mug make me want to kick his shins!

Killing Method: █████ my ████ up his ███

That’s not all, watch this space as more people will join the list on a computer/phone near you!

*No assholes were harmed during the writing of this blog

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