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Armageddon is such a Bitch

I am a believer… I believe in Jesus and the saints and all the prophets… This just makes me want to burst into song!

Anyway… As I was saying, armageddon is such a bitch! When Hitler took on the world and the holocaust started, the world had met its maker and everything was going to be destroyed in an apocalyptic struggle between good and evil. The “anti-christ” had appeared and everybody was waiting for their saviour on a white horse to appear and unless we’re talking about the Enola Gay… There wasn’t one! The fact that I’m writing this blog serves as truth of the apocalyptic struggle between 1939 and 1945 wasn’t as apocalyptic as it was made out to be! Besides, how disappointing would it be if the anti-christ just shot himself….

*Crowded room 31 December 1999, ten seconds to midnight* “TEN!!!” *gasps of terror*
“NINE!!” *shocked faces all round*
“EIGHT!” *Mom starts crying*
“SEVEN” *huge gulps of alcohol*
“SIX” *fireworks stop* “FIVE” *senile old lady sticks fingers in ears*
“FOur” *palms are now dripping with sweat*
“Three” *Dad starts crying*
“two” *kids jump in bathtubs*
“one” *deafening silence*

AAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDD…

KAAAAABOOM!

*champagne bottles pop open everywhere!* The world didn’t end and all the Y2K doom prophets became the jokes of the century! Now I pose the question… Will the world start ending (paradox I know, bear with me) at GMT+12 and systematically end until it reaches GMT-12? I dunno, just saying…

Then there is always the end of the world on 21 May 2011! Well I’ll make sure to start checking if Australia is gone tomorrow morning… If it is, I’ll panic! Thank you all the Chicken Littles of this world! I appreciate knowing exactly when the sky is going to fall! Am I mocking christianity? Nope! Not even in the least! I’m mocking you bunch of IDIOTS that are trying to convert the world to the religion through your lies and deceit through your “Bible codes.” Any true christian knows that the Bible is very clear that NO MAN will be able to pinpoint the coming of Christ! (See Matthew 24:36) You can come out of your bunkers now, your safe! So if you believe this bullshit that we will die on 21 May, please do me a favour on Sunday or Monday or whenever you read this… Repeat the following:

“I am a moron and I hereby admit to the world that I believe in the biggest amount of bullshit on earth and that I am gullible beyond words!”

Okay, so far we have survived 2 terribly apocalyptic events! Tomorrow we face the apocalypse yet again! But we’ll get through it! Promise! However, even if we do survive, we have yet another apocalypse on the horizon… 21 December 2012!!! *doom doom doom* Apocalypse available in the East first, facts not included, redemption sold separately!

According to the Mayan calendar, the world is due to end on the 21st of December 2012…. According to the Ruhan calendar, bullshit! Do people really not have better things to do with their time than predicting the end of the world! Damn it! It predates your existence and will in ALL probability post-date your existence too! If you’re really that keen on the apocalypse, just go and commit self-apocalypse!

How exactly will the world end on that day, ye of great faith! Enlighten me! If Its the apocalypse, I need to get my supplies ready… Living in a cave with only canned food and bottled water isn’t nice, so get yourself some MacDonalds (its so full of preservatives, you’ll probably be able to eat it for at least 20 years in the cave.)

So ye of great faith… Put your heads between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye! I’ll be having fun laughing at you!

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Discussion

2 thoughts on “Armageddon is such a Bitch

  1. Yours is officially a blog I read! http://wp.me/P1zhGx-1F

    Posted by schroeds | May 21, 2011, 1:31 am
  2. Hahaha “just go and commit self-apocalypse!”
    Ruhan, you make me happy. A lot. Hard. Forever.

    Posted by Nolly | May 22, 2011, 9:10 am

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