Ever since I met you in May of 2009, as I recall, we were best buds immediately! We drank together, met up after lunch and dinner together, we drank coffee together and we smoked the dance floor together…. We spent late nights studying and hours out in the cold. It became rather irritating when you started showing up after my morning coffee and when you were just there after I ate breakfast. Our coffee dates became water dates and Pepsi dates and even more recently juice dates…
Peter, you introduced me to so many of your friends, I mean there was Thomas Marlboro, Eduardo Seville, John Dunhill, Paul Revere, Peter Gunston, Paul Mall, that Texan guy whose name I can never recall Francois Cartier and you even introduced me to MC Spliff!
We travelled well together, you and I, we saw the Pacific, we travelled by Camel, went to the Embassy and even saw the Consulate…. It feels like you are the Director in my life! You truly are a Mega friend!
Peter… Every time I see you, my heart beats faster, my pupils dilate, my lungs fog up, my throat gets sore, I can literally feel my fingers and teeth turn yellow and you make my voice deeper…
Peter, I cannot live without you, but I cannot live with you (for very long anyway.) Our relationship has become an unhealthy one. I see you at least 20 times a day and to make matters worse, when we go have a drink I see you as much as 40 times a day! Peter this relationship of ours is almost at a crossroads and I wish to bid thee farewell as soon as we reach those crossroads…. YES! Peter, I am serious… We must not be friends much longer! I’m trying to be extra mild, indeed I am trying to filter what I say, but you probably think I’m being as cold as Blue Ice, that’s not the case, it’s simply the one plain reality that we have to face… You’ll be the death of me!
I will miss you Peter… You and your smoky voice, your filtered thoughts, your incensing glow and out of this world packaging. The very sight of you makes me crave ripping off your plastic and suck on you, ALL NIGHT LONG! Gay-sounding thoughts aside… I would just like you to know, that I am planning my exit from this friendship and I will not let you down gently… I will deprive myself of this friendship by going cold turkey on your butt!
I even wrote you a poem:
Ashes to ashtray, from dawn until dusk, I would like to replace you with a rusk
You are my weakness, a reason for my meekness
You make me smell like the Boksburg North Hotel
You’re a real sponger, I wanna hit you with a toilet plunger
You make my mom cry, because of you, I will surely die
You will be beat, even if replaced by a piece of meat
You are expensive, which makes me apprehensive
You’re like the terminator, putting me on a respirator
I like you in the car, you make my insides full of tar
Oh Peter Stuyvesant… You make me want to crysvesant
Kind Regards *cough cough*