I have opinions about everything, you see. The problem is, there are certain things that one just cannot always rationalise, but one thing is for certain; regardless of whether I can or cannot rationalise my deathly fear of insects, I have opinions… They stem from tales… Tales that are true… Tales I will tell. Tales I will tell of my arch nemesis,The Parktown Prawn:
On Ascending from Hell
It was a cold autumn night in the Polish capital of Warsaw, it was 1 September 1939 and as many people watched the German army tanks rolled into town…
That was most definitely the wrong story, but similar ballpark… Let me start afresh:
It was a warm spring evening in the Ekurhuleni suburb of Sunward Park, it was 1 September 2007 and as one solo Satanic armoured creature tank walked in our front door, I could only realise in gasps of shock and horror, that here is the mythical creature that I have so very often heard of. Men have boasted of their encounters with this creature. It is the rite of passage for any boy of the Gauteng South and Eastern regions to be instantly transformed into a man, once he has defeated Satan of the highveld.
As I was saying… Satanic creature in house… Me couch watching TV…
I looked him straight in the eye, careful not to look afraid; they can smell it! I thought that this might be the perfect opportunity to display my well-connectedness. I decided to summon my powerful Norwegian ally… I had a cat, he comes from Norway, his name, Oslo. I was careful to make the attack a strategic one, like the Blitzkrieg… Surely Satan would fall before the mighty Norwegian general… I was wrong! Oh, how wrong I was… So wrong! The devil is known for leaping at his opponents, the Norwegian general retreated; leaving behind a civilian casualty-to-be: Me!
On Being Immortal
Oh, but I fear not my Satanic oppressor… I am a man of superior intelligence… I may be a civilian, but I chose not to become a casualty, I shall fight tooth and nail, till death, for freedom. I picked up a shoe, took aim and like an old bowling pro, I tried to shift the shoe in a similar fashion, so as to only knock my nemesis out the door. I am not, nor have I ever been quite good at bowling… The shoe lifted slightly and I threw the creature in sy moer in! Black ink had already met the side of the door in his battle against the Norwegian forces, but now, the ground lay littered in a white substance that could only be described as bekotsenswaardig.
It was approximately 3:00 when this battle ended. I was too tired to play Red Cross, I did not want to clean up the remains of my opponent. Instead, I decided to let his blood fill the earth and shame him in the eyes of all that can see. I had won!
As the first rays of sunshine fell upon middle earth… Sorry, wrong story!
At about 12:00 that day, I wake from my slumber. The first thought that crosses my mind, is not pleasant. I feel sick. I do not feel as a victor. Because in war, victory is nothing. I decide that playing Red Cross is necessary and as I approach the battlefield, I can see the ravages of a past war… And my nemesis… He is nowhere to be found!
The dark forces at work, the ones that resurrected him, I do not understand, but to me, he will always be the creature that lived…
On the Need for Guerrilla Tactics
It was another summer’s night in Sunward Park. The year 2009. I had come to terms with what had happened on that fateful spring evening in 2007, but the scars remained. I was home from Pretoria for my summer holidays. As I lay on my bed, observing my surroundings, I heard the footsteps of what sounded to be a small animal… It wasn’t… It was a demon… My arch-nemesis had returned once more.
I looked for a weapon… I found one… I chose an old DVD-player’s box. The chosen weapon was no match for the cunning skill with which my opponent attacks when threatened. Satan went on a jumping frenzy, at which time I decided to resort to old, reliable tactics… I picked up a shoe and stood on my bed… Flashbacks of the horror scene in 2007 filled my head. I shan’t be deterred I thought, the buck stops here. I took aim and threw with all the force that the universe would lend to me… I missed!
I looked down still, when I realised that Satan had joined me on my bed. This was the first time that Satan joined me on my bed since Susan in 200… That’s besides the point!
I suffer from delayed reflexes and that day was no exception… As I realised what was going on, I threw my hands up in the air like an Oprah-audience- member while punching my lampshade to millions of glass shards spread over my bed…
Eventually I returned to my old DVD-player box and I vanquished my opponent once more.
On Turning Back Time
Back when I was a little girl, I used to fear the dark. I had a night light. You have to have a night light!
On 16 November 2011, I was studying… Mr. Arrogant McSatanfreak decides to walk from under my bed to an undetermined place in my room. So, as an upstanding tjatjarag liberal with an opinion, I decide to stand on my Constitutional right to property… I walk up to him and say “Hayi wena, Indlu yami lena and you are trespassing!” He kept walking, muttering something about a “PIE Act” or something or other…
I then tried to apprehend my nemesis, but he demanded to have his rights read to him. As it were, detained persons also have rights in terms of the Constitution. I’m not good at remembering sections, so as I turn to collect my copy of the Constitution, he hurries behind my book cabinet, haven’t seen him since!
That night I did a time warp to my youth, as I slept with an open door and a night light.
On Making Movies
The movie, District 9, was based on an unwelcome group of aliens called “Prawns” who were not welcome in the same suburbs as the people of South Africa. Some say that there was an innuendo referring to apartheid, I say that the script-writer is from Parktown…
Parktown prawns are ugly and keep out of reach of children!!!